Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
“i miss shittin on people”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*