The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”