Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I feel it
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Would you wear it?
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.