Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Why is no one talking about this?!
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.