*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.