A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
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COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
#DesignFail
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.