Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously