[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.