I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.