I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
This pepper has seen some shit
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Good dog. ❤️
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time