8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.