I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
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The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
haha same
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.