No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
You Might Also Like
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
When a shoelace touches your ankle
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Meow
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.