*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
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Bed should get ready for ME
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”