RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”