Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
You Might Also Like
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Holy crap this is wonderful
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.