Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
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I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.