Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
next level snooze
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.