Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
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Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
There are no pants in heaven.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe