My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.