“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
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In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing