I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked