“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
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Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Only short people can save us
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.