girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
You Might Also Like
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.