there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
translated into Canadian
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.