Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
You Might Also Like
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
“That’s what” – She
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
hmm conte-me mais
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Living the best life.. 😊
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.