I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
You Might Also Like
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
No selfies while hijacking a train.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Was it something I said?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No