My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain