Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
What the hell happened in there??
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.