┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn