Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time