*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?