It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.