when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex