It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie