Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
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casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
*frowns in Scottish*
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
What my back needs
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.