[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists