me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…