When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.