I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
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Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat