what day is it?
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
i wish we could shoplift online
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Fiction has to make sense.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.