Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option