Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
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I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Word!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me trying to look natural in photos
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
first you must answer his riddles
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.