Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
bad news gang
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…