I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.