My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
🤣could you imagine
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Oh we’ve met.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol