Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”