Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.