I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
oppen heimer style lol
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.