ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then